2001connections-article0009 Friendship accounting badly needed in today's society.

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2001connections-article0009
Friendship accounting badly needed in today's society.

If you are stuck in a 1-sided friendship, you might benefit from letting a 3rd party evaluate the situation more objectively. You need the services of a friendship accountant. At the time of first composing this article, November 2004, I honestly don't know if such a profession actually exists. If not, there should be one. My personal observations indicate that there are increasingly too many takers and too few givers. The takers obviously don't mind. They benefit the most from this imbalance. But those among us who are true givers stand to lose the most. Especially those who have difficulty saying “no” to family, friends, neighbours and colleagues.
    Imagine a suburban setting. The people in the house next to yours constantly come over and use and borrow all your power tools and other household goods. But they hardly ever offer to return the favour in any way. This destructive social trend seems to be on the rise. Hence the need for friendship accountants. Such an outsider could provide you with a valuable sober second look at your situation and possibly suggest some effective remedy. Believe it or not, in some contexts, next-door neighbours will actually move away to different surroundings if you suddenly stop giving to these takers. Presumably, they would try to relocate close to another good-natured giver such as yourself, if you have been one.
    If the balance of favours exceeds 2 to 1 in a particular friendship, you need to review the situation carefully. If it exceeds 5 to 1, then some decisive action is clearly required, almost beyond any doubt. But in each case, proceed with caution and obtain qualified opinions before taking any drastic steps.

Additional forms of imbalance also exist among friends. Consider for example how often you each comment positively or negatively on various aspects of each others’ lives. Features such as: residence and decor. Appearance and clothing. Career. Automobile. And the list goes on. My point is, if you usually comment positively on your friend’s assets and actions, but your friend fails to reciprocate, then you are most probably too nice a person. Perhaps generally too agreeable. Or maybe simply too kind to this one particular individual. Sometimes it’s difficult to be certain. But in this context, if your friend expresses primarily negative observations and criticisms about various points regarding your person, then obviously some glaring disproportion exists in your friendship. I realize old habits are tough to kick, but perhaps the time has arisen for you to become slightly less amiable. Needless to say, consider carefully all ramifications of any possible course of action. Think twice [or more] before risking any irreversible damage or deterioration of your friendship.

For more effective friendship management, consider copying certain skills from politicians. A great number of these veterans of human interaction have perfected the art of dealing with difficult or frustrating individuals. I almost hesitate to express such a bitter assessment, but many of us who tend to be too nice, could perhaps learn a few pointers from those who are often too nasty.
    More concisely, politicians seem to have acquired appreciable know-how in the craft of verbal attack, defence and counter-attack. And so, if you happen to have an easygoing personality, and someone utters negative statements with regard to various aspects of your existence, you might tend to assume a defensive posture and attempt to justify your actions, your goals, your opinions, whatever. I have concluded, from extensive experience in this field, that such a reasonable, conciliatory attitude is doomed to fail, at least most of the time. Therefore, if someone finds fault with any characteristics of your person, perhaps the old reflex of defending yourself was a losing move. Maybe a better, revised strategy would be to find fault with the “faulters” themselves.
    If you need an example, here’s a good one, I hope. Suppose you drive a compact 2-door sports car. Another person criticizes your choice of transport, as too small, too little carrying capacity, maybe even too troublesome and/or too expensive to maintain and repair. Instead of attempting to justify your preference in automobiles, why not counter-criticize that individual who finds fault with your set of wheels. For instance, if that driver owns a minivan, why not point out the various shortcomings of such a vehicle. Drawbacks such as: too bulky, too difficult to park, consumes too much fuel, and so on. You get the picture. Eventually, the person with whom you are interacting will probably figure out that values such as kindness, politeness, courtesy - or the lack thereof - have to be a two-way street. A 1-sided imbalance simply won’t do. Not anymore, for sure.
    I could quote more examples but what’s the point. The overall idea should be quite clear already. However, a few words of caution are in order right now. Reactions to your newly-found assertiveness may vary considerably. Possible detrimental consequences include, but are in no way limited to, alienating 1 or more friends, losing your job, and so on. So please be advised. If you are willing to roll the dice as I have described and deal with the result, whatever it may be, then good luck and I applaud your courage. But if you have any doubts whatsoever, perhaps better disregard and forget what you have read in this article.
    I hope the above material has provided some helpful insight in the domain of human interaction.

End of
2001connections-article0009
Friendship accounting badly needed in today's society.

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